Every once in a while, I get ranty. It’s something you don’t even really think about when you’re living in New York, but in the pacific Pacific Northwest, if you rant, people wonder what you’re getting your Underalls all knotty about sometimes. Especially when it comes to the stupid things New York sports columnists write. I may well be the only person in all of Oregon who ever thinks about such things. Fine. Someone up here has to, or New York will sink into the sea, weighted down by the cumulative buildup of its own logorrheic verbiage with no left-coast counterbalance. At least that’s the story that’s stuck to me.

My rant-target today is one Wallace Matthews of Newsday, whose Sunday column, following the Mets’ 12-3 drubbing by the Brewers the day before, basically suggested that the Mets not even bother showing up to any future contests with the Brewers or anyone else, because they haven’t got what it takes. The Brewers are it, baby. Cousin It.

The Brewers, says Wally the Met Hater, are “young, tough and hungry. Or everything the Mets are not.” He further goes on to lambaste Carlos Delgado for the “condescension” embodied by the following quote:

“Is two games enough to make a judgment?” asked Carlos Delgado, a central figure in the two embarrassing fourth-inning plays that cost two runs. “I don’t think so. We’re talking about this on May 12. We’ll see.”

Oh yeah, that’s a big fat “Brewers suck,” isn’t it, Wally? Pin that shit to the Miller Park bulletin board NOW!

So tell me why guys like Matthews still have high-paying media jobs, when there are bloggers (surely not me, but surely many others I could rattle off on all 20 digits without thinking) who can write rings around them, who actually have fresh points of view and something to say, while Matthews is stuck writing about a team he obviously dislikes on every level and doesn’t care to know diddleydoo about and is only bothering to type about under heavy duress? Because they have exclusive access to the clubhouses? Why do only they get that access? Because they’ve always had it, and (to paraphrase songwriter Greg Brown) good change takes so long?

Look, I’m not saying the Brewers couldn’t win everything. Even as early as six weeks into the season, it’s obvious they’ve got the best team they’ve put on the field since Harvey’s Wallbangers back in 1982, the last time the Brewers won a pennant. Their fans should be getting all tingly. I’m not going to say they’re not for real, especially since the rest of the NL Central is taking a big ole Z-balloon. A big part of being for real is having your comp magically roll over and play dead for you — just ask the Yankees, they’ve functioned that way for years. Heck, you could even ask the Mets, it happened to them just last year. Nor do I believe the press need be a passel of overly compliant ass-kissers “godding up the ballplayers” (as New York Herald-Tribune sports editor Stanley Woodward put it at least as far back as the 1940s).

But there is a pretty thick line between thoughtful analysis and flinging poo, and Matthews has been steppin’ to the poo side for as long as I can remember. You sell papers these days by scaring people or getting them mad, if you sell them at all, I suppose, but how many people are really that excited to read what people like Matthews have to say, when there are so many superior alternatives?

Of course, you could say that by giving him bandwidth I’m part of the problem. I can’t in good conscience argue. So now I’ll stop. But since I don’t get to rant on the subway any more, let me just point out that not long after the drool ink dried on Elmer FUD Matthews’ antipanegyric poo attack column, the Mets administered a 9-1 counter-drubbing of the Sudsers on Sunday afternoon. Carlos Gomez started in right field and had a double in his very first major league at-bat, followed by a stunning sliding catch of a Bill Hall line drive, and made the fans fall in the kind of instant love only Mets fans can fall in. Everyone who used a pink bat (David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Endy Chavez) got at least one hit. Wright got three stolen bases off Brewers starter Chris Capuano, a pitcher almost no one even makes an attempt on because of his usual ability to mow ‘em down. Mets starter Oliver Perez, picked off Pittsburgh’s scrap heap, again made Omar Minaya look like Best GM Evaarrrrrr. Mets! Mets! Mets! Mets rule! Brewers drool!

…ahem. OK. I’m better now. Really. But hey, I’m allowed to show a little enthusiasm for this game once in a while. It’s not like anyone’s paying me not to.